My real crush.It's complicated and I never reveal the real person to anyone.don't intend to do so forever!!!!

well..I'm going to spill everything here and now.It's hard when you're in love with someone from different culture,religion,race,etc.I have to admit that I like Chinese guy and I kept falling in and out of love with them.This is hard as they are guys.I tend to shun my feelings away or just make a fool of myself.I tried and tried to like a Malay guy but I can't/how could I as I only have a handful of Malay guy friends and believe me we're not that close.I felt awkward and insecure whenver I'm with them.That is why I often go away or rather be alone.Maybe most of my guy friends are jerks..I don't like to be around them but it's different with the non-Malay.Our friendship are close and I felt safe.We talk about academics stuff and I really like them a lot.huhuhuhuhu..Gee still thinking whether I should confess and just take em into my life.I love him but he's not a Malay T_T..it's hard to ignore this feeling as I felt jealous when other girls talk to him.I felt so sad..This is my 3rd time that I'm denying my feelings to a non..huargh..i don;t think i could do it anymore.I could really let go of a Malay guy and my crush is history..I was only taking him as a shield so no 1 will notice this.I can't hide it anymore..Must I lose this guy for a Malay guy..I don't think so.and I don't find anyone worth it.I don't know why I can't find a Malay guy with the same wave length as mine.Whether they ignore me or avoid me.I felt really left out like i'm nothing.so sorry but this is my friendship with them.it never lasts and I don't think I like it or I would want to take a risk.They don't appreciate me.Maybe I'm different but the non doesn't treat me that way.even if I had a fight with them we'll be friends after that.
ps:i'm really devastated right now.Ya Allah bukalah pintu hatiku untuk lelaki yang sepatutnya.Kalau dialah jodoh saya..Bukalah pintu hatinya untuk masuk Islam.Saya tak berani nak buat apa2..T_T